NOVEMBER

More capitalist-y angst. (Also, negative stream of consciousness.)

It just makes me so sad that you can't make money doing things that you're proud of... "No, making handbound books / paintings / needlefelted art / etc isn't viable, because just think how long it takes to make those! Just think how high you'd have to price it, even to make minimum wage! No one would be willing to spend that much!"

In a "traditional" job, like food service or retail, there's still nothing you can take pride in. I fundamentally want to feel productive, to have something to show off for my efforts at the end of the day, but our current capitalist system is entirely antithetical to that, in every way. "Nothing else matters, don't think, just do it as fast as possible!" But at my last job, in the residential center, certain residents had very specific dietary restrictions and needs: for example, citrus can have extreme negative reactions with certain medicines. One guy was gluten intolerant. And all sorts of other things. My coworkers and even my boss would forget things, in their rush to do things as fast as humanly possible, so I'd have to point it out. It's not safe to just turn off your thoughts and go on autopilot in that sort of situation!

Also, it still bothers me that working your ass off to the point of not even taking breaks, or just sitting and doing nothing all day, you still make a flat hourly rate of pay. At first, you can satisfy yourself with noble thoughts about self-sacrifice to make things easier for the rest of your team, or not wanting to "impose" on someone else so you do two people's work by yourself, but after a while, you just start feeling really shitty!! Your legs hurt, your stomach's growling, you've just worked a ten hour shift without any breaks, and, still, you're being told you "aren't doing enough" and you "aren't doing your job," by someone who literally just spent the last five hours sitting in the conference room watching old Jeopardy reruns!! You're punished for putting in your all and rewarded for doing nothing!

In terms of trying to sell arts and craftsy-things on Etsy, it's a similar situation: a race to the bottom. You want to create the most generic things, with the widest appeal, putting the least amount of effort in and churn them out like a factory. Still, you're competing with massive companies who horrifically exploit their workers and sell what is effectively the same sort of product as you for a fraction of the cost (because, again, they aren't paying their workers a living wage and are cutting costs at every turn). In the end, in order to be "competitive," you have to have thousands of listings, free shipping, and sell everything at a loss. It's just an absolute mess...

I don't think I'm, like, that much of a mooch: I have money still saved from Pell Grants and Student Loans, I buy groceries and pay gas & electric, internet, & sewer. (My mom inherited the house, so there's no rent.) I feel so guilty spending money on myself, so that's why I have so much saved up. I pretty much only buy books and art supplies (and even then, only after months of careful consideration and if they're on sale).

I just feel like absolute garbage all the time. I have no energy, like a car without gas. Just going in the grocery store has become overwhelming, to the point of my mood being thrown off for the rest of the day (I don't know how to describe this: my mom asks me 'why I'm mad at her,' 'why I'm not talking to her.' I'm not mad, I just can't talk...). And like I said before, random crying fits and spiralling thoughts...

I don't know how to get out of this. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just trapped in the hell that is my fundamental self...

Yesterday, I volunteered to help run the concessions stand at a local theater and got to watch the show for free, Sweeney Todd. It was my first time seeing it and I really liked it! My mom's coworker makes the costumes and she's the one who recommended volunteering. I also think I want to sign up to help with set design on the next musical...

I used to go and see a lot of plays in high school, but the troupe I used to see has dissolved now, I think, sadly. They were a lot different from this one; while the musical group (if I said their actual name, I'd end up doxxing myself, oops) has their own devoted building, this smaller group did their performances in a warehouse that they shared with a chiropractor or something. Their budget varied a lot, so sometimes you'd see a really nice pretty set and sometimes they'd just set up a ring of chairs on the floor and act inside of it; sometimes detailed costumes and sometimes the actors would all just wear a nice, all black outfit from their closet. Also, actors would often play multiple parts in one play. I think that all added a lot of charm and heart to their performances, that you really don't get from, like, watching a movie or tv show. Oh, also, their practical effects were amazingly good! Like, I rememmber watching their genderbent version of King Lear when I was like 16 and, oh god, the eye gouging scene!

The way the concessions stand was set up was pretty nice. Everything was a dollar. Snacks were on shelves up front, and people would just grab whatever they wanted. The concessions supervisor was making hot dogs, so you just call it out when someone orders one. Pops and water were arranged logically in the fridge, easily seen and accessed. So unlike the last job...

This is a weird thing to say, but, like I said in the last entry, I actually really do like helping people, customer service-wise! Convenience Store Woman really is the biggest callout I've ever gotten from a book... Like, one of my favorite game genres is restaurant / cafe simulators: particularly ones with visual novel-style "support conversations," like Hungry Hearts Diner (on mobile) or this one where you run a cosplay cafe (it's a little... raunchy, but the mechanics are solid and conversations are fun and insightful). I've also been trying out a couple of ttrpgs with similar themes, like I just did a play-through of Whistling Wolf Cafe set in Springfield, with random Simpsons characters coming in to buy tea and talk about their problems.

On that note: I do like ttrpgs, but I think I need a little bit more direction, y'know? Sometimes it can feel a little silly.. Personally, I kinda tend to prefer more abstract / concrete games (yes, those are literally antonyms, but bare with me!), along the lines of chess or solitaire or dungeon crawlers, where there's more of a focus on gameplay than storytelling / worldbuilding. My favorites are things that strike a nice balance, like The Estate of Baron Archambaud, an Ingrate, which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned here before. Also, I played a few rounds of Matrix Overload recently and that was really good, also! I've also been thinking about making one, in a Carta / narrative dungeon crawling-style.

Oh, and a little art update, to lighten things up from last time... some friends were making ocs / fursonas, so I made one, too!

She's based off a blue morpho butterfly. I think the different patterns on their wings are just really neat, and I've been thinking about this type of design for a while! I was originally thinking about going with a painted lady, who has similar eyespots on her back, but I just really like the color blue. I think Cytherea would be a cute name for her, considering it's a) an epithet for Aphrodite, and b) "Cytheritis" is a synonym for the genus Morpho.

No ideas on personality or anything, but, fun fact: the one painting in my sketchbook with the lady in a trench coat looking out into a cityscape was originally made with the painted lady idea in mind but I kinda didn't know how to fit the eyespots into the composition...

Finally watched Aggretsuko season 5 a few days ago! Apparently, there was originally supposed to be another season after this, but Netflix canceled it at the last second, so they had to try and shove two seasons of content into ten short episodes. The first, like, seven episodes were really well written and meaningful to me… but the last three, with the whole random election campaign that Retsuko wasn’t even interested in, was bizarre, to say the least!

But, with Haida being unemployed for most of the season and the shame and struggle that comes with that, being rejected from every job he applies for. And meeting Shikabane, who has apparently given up on life entirely....

Honestly, my mental health has been even worse than usual, lately. I’ve started randomly breaking down due to how hopeless I feel… Like my default for the last few years (or more) has already been feeling I’m at the bottom of a pit with no hope of ever clawing my way out, but now sometimes I’ll just find myself in free fall, spiraling off into worse and worse thoughts…

I feel pressured to have some major end goal planned out for my life, but I just don’t. I have a two-year degree (not to mention, a lot of debt), but college really seems worthless in this day and age. Politically, economically, ecologically, etc — I feel so utterly powerless in every way that there’s no point in even trying.

And, socially, despite barely even existing in the public sphere at all at this point, I still feel the need to withdraw from even the few things I actually do engage in…

I just….

I don't think having a job would fix me. The previous one sure as hell didn't! I just felt physically and mentally exhausted -- I cried like every other day, either literally at work or I'd be able to just barely hold it back until the ride home. And then I'd just pass out on the couch, unable to think or do anything for the rest of the day...

But, it might've just been that specific job, though...? I actually didn't mind the customer service 'minigame'-thing, where we had to stop what we were doing and help people at the counter. (That is, when people didn't get mad at you for being out of stock of something or bringing them orange juice when they wanted apple (even though a coworker said she also heard them say "orange," wtf!).) And I do still want a consistent reason to leave the house...

When I was at JoAnn's a while ago, a lady came up to me and asked me if I worked there. I said no. (....JoAnn's employees wear aprons and shirts that say JoAnn's on them. Why would you ask me??) And she said: "Oh. Well, it looks like you know where things are and about arts and crafts, at least. What kind of marker would you recommend to use on a diaper?" And another day, I was randomly assigned Five Below employee by a random woman who was yelling about how she couldn't find the bathroom (again, they wear uniforms... which I was not?). So, obviously, someone out there finds me hireable, just not any actual companies!

Like, there was the thrift store I mentioned last time, a couple of entry level lab positions, even a few janitorial things have rejected me... To add onto this saga, I actually looked into working at the JoAnn's (you get a discount on art supplies!) and the door says they're hiring, but I've looked online and there are no positions where I live. Why do you have a sign up, then!!?

I don't get any of this....

And, I think I’ve already said this before, but even before Covid, when I was in Uni & allegedly "had my life together," I was still depressed. I still had these random extreme emotional spirals and suicidal thoughts. And, honestly, I was still directionless. Even though I was studying STEM, I still don’t think I would’ve been able to find a job in my field. And I would’ve ended up in even more debt.

I studied to the point of being completely exhausted. My only hobby was occasionally going to Board Game Club or Euchre Club (both of which I was withdrawing from due to general self-esteem issues and…. general political things (everyone in those clubs were major Tankies and that made me really uncomfortable) and watching Mario Maker Let’s Plays on YouTube.

Nowadays, at least, I do have other hobbies and interests, like art and reading and maintaining this site and bookbinding and embroidery and needle felting, etc etc. Even if most of those things are a way to distract myself, I do genuinely enjoy them…

...But also, on days like today, I just am completely broken. As the kids say, nothing in my enclosure "feels right" -- I pick up a pencil only to have nothing I want to draw. My Steam backlog is ridiculous, but nothing is catching my interest. I can't get into any books I try. My desk is cluttered with things I've half started and given up after two seconds. And so, I've basically just wasted my whole day scrolling, but scrolling isn't what I wanted to do, either; it doesn't give any feeling of satisfaction or interest or even just relief from boredom! I don't remember where I read it, but I remember someone saying that it's basically just a pit of emptiness, your mind doesn't wander, your thoughts are just dead.

Aah, I feel like I'm in hell…..