Saturday | 01. November 2025

Happy belated Halloween! Sorry for not updating for quite a while! Last year, it was mostly due to anhedonia / just having nothing to say, but now I have quite a bit to rant about… but first, a Mimikyu for your troubles!

My first time trying to freehand something. She consists of basic shapes, so nothing too crazy -- I think it'd be interesting to experiment more with squiggly shapes and scalloped edges in the future, though! Also, the air soluble marker I used to sketch her face doesn't really want to come off, rip...

I guess if I were to compare all of these fiber crafts I've been doing: with needle felting, you can get very specific poses and tight shapes, while plushies / amigurumi are a bit more... floppy by nature. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just requires a different mindset. Besides that, crochet seems much more hardy -- you could actually use a crocheted piece as a keychain or bag charm without worrying about it falling apart, while I don't really trust my connection skills in needle felting that much, so they're just relegated to being desk friends / shelf decor....

Which kinda brings me to another thing: I've seen a lot of very cool sweater / scarf / etc patterns (like biyabimi's monarch butterfly sweater), but I'm kind of just too self conscious about physically existing in real life to wear something like that, I think... This is something that I'd really like to work on, personally and socially -- it's a holdover of past experiences, but, God, once you realize how much you've let general fears (not fitting in, being made fun of, doing everything you can to avoid conflict, trying as hard as you can to not exist at all, etc) rule every aspect of your life... it's just very depressing, y'know? I want to be more consciously present in the world, interacting with people, being alive, taking up space.


[warning: additional stream of consciousness rambling about my life…]

~~ flashback (I started writing this entry a while ago) ~~

There's been an ongoing dramatic saga happening with my family for the last couple of weeks / months: I kinda mentioned it in the last entry, but my sister really wants to go on vacation like we never did as kids. Both of our parents were against it until my mom said fine, but only if she (and, by extension, me) come along. My dad was fine with this solution and we were planning this family trip to California until suddenly my mom says, no, actually, she doesn't want to bother and my sister can go alone, it's fine. And she resolved to just not tell my dad that she changed her mind. They were even planning on taking pictures of us all smiling together so my sister could Photoshop it to look like we were in California together and saying it wasn't going to be a big deal (for me to lie about going)…

…but it's like, I talk to my dad kinda frequently and he's been asking questions like "when are you leaving?" and telling me about all the cool things I should see and do while I'm out there. Which is a totally normal thing -- this trip to California would kinda be a major life event for me (if I was going, that is. but I'm not). And, so, this has been hell for me! It's a combination of:

  1. I just don't know how to lie, and
  2. honestly, I actually did really want to go, so it's just very depressing to not only not be sad about not going, but also having to pretend to be excited to an acceptable level, so as to not be suspicious! While I'm actually just rotting, locked in my bedroom, like always!

A few days ago, I finally wrote about this situation in a vent thread on a Discord server, where a friend said that they (my mom and sister) were being unfair to me and I should just tell the truth, because it'll just come out anyway and it's better to say it now. So I did, and I was shaking for the rest of the day. My mom was disappointed but "figured I would crack eventually," and my dad apparently keeps telling my sister that maybe she should hold off until a friend can go with her or something.

~~ back to present day ~~

So, my sister is presently still out in Cali and is having a lot of fun by herself, meeting people, clubbing, etc. Really, good for her -- this is her best possible outcome.

The thing with my dad ended up fizzling into nothing, so I'm not sure why I was put through hell like that for so long when it literally didn't matter, but that seems to just be a reoccurring theme in my life, unfortunately. I have other things I could talk about, but I think oversharing about my life and ruminating on these things just makes everything worse. I guess the solution is to just try to grow a thicker skin and occupy my mental garden with other things until I can move out…


I do actually have some positive things to talk about, though!


And another little rant: this might be a weird thing to say, but I have so much respect for my coworker, D. She’s quite an emotional / sensitive person and has cried at work several times, even before her diagnosis. Clients can just be really shitty, y'know? On top of this, she also talks a lot about setting boundaries and standing up for herself, personally and professionally. It’s evident that this is something that she’s really had to work at for a long time, but it seems to have really worked for her...

I was having a bit of an off day a while ago, and she specifically came up to me and said “it’s fine, everyone has days like that; just look at me!” And I really do find that so comforting — I’ve talked about this before but I’ve just been so shamed into extreme emotional repression my whole life and thought I was irreparably broken if anything ever slipped through, so it’s just really nice to see someone who openly feels her emotions and has a full, happy life. I have a lot more I could say, but, in sum, I just really look up to her.


Finally, some quick media reviews:

Blue Eye Samurai (2023)

Recommended by the woman I mentioned earlier who writes lesbian short stories. A mixed race woman in early Tokugawa Japan vows to kill all four white men who were in the country when she was born (and thus might be her father) as revenge for her shitty life.

I really loved this! Mizu is such a unique character; normally, you see the "woman raised as a (male) soldier" archetype as someone like Lady Oscar from Rose of Versailles (gentle, noble, compassionate), while Mizu is outright bloodthirsty and singularly focused on her goals. Other people have just harmed her in the past, so she tends to push them away. (Also, sword fights ending with a kiss are *peak* romance, those guys are just weak.) Also, I've never seen animation like this -- it's quite a bit more detailed / gory than your typical anime, but still very appealing and effective! I don't want to spoil anything, but the way different narratives are woven together is so neat (case in point, episode five).

I have no idea what season two is going to be like… Mizu isn't really going to be able to full out fight armies of men in London, so it seems like the whole tone of the show is going to change.

The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle (2018) by Stuart Turton

Read for book club. A man with amnesia suddenly appears in the woods and witnesses (what he thinks) is a violent murder. He runs randomly until he finds a mansion where a big party is going on, and apparently a) everyone there knows him and, in fact, he just left a short while ago, and b) there are no signs of this murder he allegedly saw. He's confused, but the night goes on, until another murder takes place. He falls asleep and wakes up in the body of another party goer -- and a mysterious man in a plague doctor outfit tells him that he is here to solve this murder and he has six days (and six other bodies) left to do so.

…So, basically a British take on isekai to a similar effect as Re:Zero, with none of the charm. Like, it does have some interesting ideas and I normally love the whole timey-wimey bullshit genre, but yeah no, I kinda just hated everything about this. I don't know how to explain it other than that the main protagonist has boring, self-insert "shonen" energy while also being a pretentious jackass and every other plot point just makes me think of anime tropes (while, also taking itself too seriously and, so, not having anything that actually makes anime fun).

[spoilers]

The ending was so convoluted, but also almost literally Danganronpa, if you know what I mean? Ah, this house and the whole case is actually a ~virtual reality in a prison~, and this woman you've been obsessed with and befriended is actually the Worst Person Who Has Ever Lived (with no further explanation, of course) -- in other words, you might even say she's ~The Ultimate Despair~. But, certainly, the protagonist argues, she's earned her ~Redemption Arc~ by now, after so many loops through time prison! I mean, she doesn't even remember all of those horrible unnamed things she apparently did -- she's basically innocent!! I just think this is such a lazy manner of storytelling, the author doesn't want to actually commit to anything and the tone is so self-righteous; it just pissed me off!

Hated it, hated it.

Delicious in Dungeon (2024)

So, I talked about starting this in December. Basically, I was looking for something to watch while crocheting and the Youtube algorithm has been even more shit than usual, and I suddenly remembered this show… and I bingewatched the remaining 12+ episodes in one sitting and loved every minute of it!

I don't have anything profound to say about themes or anything, I genuinely just liked it -- the characters and their interpersonal dynamics were fun and I love thinking about ecosystems and cooking. <3 / 5.

Thanks for listening! <3

Monday | 23. June 2025

Howdy, howdy! I've done it again, oopsie... Still, happy Pride Month! I finally made bracelets with the Keith Haring shrinky dinks I made, like, 2+ years ago:

I'm going to send them to some friends from Discord (along with some other crafty stuff :3 ). Also, I technically went to my first Pride... but I got the time wrong, so missed the actual parade. :/ The park it was at also double booked, so everyone kinda just sat around until the no kings protest started (which I was also planning on going to, so it all worked out, I guess).

There were some very good, touching speeches from local politicians, community volunteers, refugees, etc, but it was also just a bit weird how aggressively centerist all the speakers were ("Remember, your conservative friends are fighting the same fight you are, they have the same values you do," etc). I guess that's a good message overall, but I feel like this was explicitly a left-leaning crowd, so it just feels bizarre to make sure the conservatives who literally are not in the room with us feel included, idk. And also, the first guy to speak said something about "No Kings, but YAASS QUEENS!" and it might actually be the cringiest thing I have ever heard -- it's just so inauthentic and forced.


That's not really what I'm here to talk about today, though! I haven't been able to make sense of my thoughts recently. So much is going on around me; mentally, locally, in the world... and so, I'm going to try and off load some of this onto this site in an attempt to organize everything, like a digital commonplace book / binder.

My uncle died suddenly last week. The day before, he was getting his car repaired; asked my aunt to pick him up and they spent the day together. Then he didn't show up to work. My other uncle (his twin brother) went to investigate and found him in his bed, phone beside him. A Facebook post at midnight, and never woke up...

Family members fly in from around the country to look at pictures, share memories, enjoy each other's company.

A humid night, crossing miles of gravel roads on the way home. A lightning bug splatters against the windshield, a glowing splotch that quickly fades.

The first thing clients see when they walk into the office: a bay window of all sizes of containers and textures of greenery and flowers. My boss (S)'s office has more, still. They seem to gather here like stray cats.

She "technically" doesn't know much about them: doesn't know what they're called, hasn't obsessed over gardening manuals or anything like that. And yet, under her care, they flourish all the same.

A matter of intuition? Simply "listening" to the plant and its needs? Going with the flow of life and adapting as needed?

"Y'know, when my sister was your age, she was already married with three kids..."

My coworker, D, was talking about how she's been meaning to start gardening again. She was in her basement, looking at the shelves stocked with jars of various types of homemade jams and tomato sauces from years ago and thinking about the prolific garden she left behind at her old house. She misses it.

My personal experience with gardening is limited to Stardew Valley and Harvest Moon. Many silly questions ensue, she was very nice about it and thoroughly answered everything, gave tips, etc. Among the sticky notes littering my desk:

  • good starter plants: tomatoes, green beans. basically grow themselves!
  • things like strawberries, raspberries take years to mature
  • try to get the seeds in the ground before Mother's Day

    • A routine check-up followed by an unexpected phone call. D stumbles into the boss (her sister)'s office as if in a stupor. Softly spoken conversation and intermittent sobs. She finally slips out the back door without a word…

    After months of being medically not allowed to drive after her seizure, my sister decided she wants to go on a solo trip to California. She feels trapped. She wants to move to another city. She wants to see the world.

    My parents are not happy. She's almost thirty -- I think she should be able to do whatever she wants.

    Surgery last week, back to work on Monday. She doesn't want to wallow in her thoughts.

    I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue--

    I went to a little botanical park, Mother's Day weekend. They happened to have a plant sale going and I bought this little inch plant on impulse. <3


    I'm worried my bedroom is too small and dark for her to thrive…

    "I think I want to start a garden! Can we go buy some seeds? I wanna try being more spontaneous, so I was thinking--"

    "No, if you're going to do anything, it will be done exactly as I say."

    "..."

    "Why haven't you done anything yet? You're the one who brought it up in the first place. You're so lazy and ungrateful!"

    "We're at a casino -- drink and have fun like a normal person, dammit!"

    "Why are you so quiet? Why do you have such a blank face? Why do you never leave your room? Why are you always in such a bad mood? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

    I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out. I wanna move out--

    [It might be cringy to express my emotions like this, but I just wanted to let off some steam...]


    And, so, a stress relief Oddish plush!

    I guess she’s not really that exciting, but I mostly just wanted something to do with my hands…

    Her main body is stuffed with the little plastic beans in a small mesh bag, so she has a decent weight — the first time I’ve actually tried that. It’s pretty satisfying to feel them under the fabric. And her leaves are sewn felt sheets, like usual, with wires inside for poseability. Finally tried sewing on button eyes and they really are so cute!

    I originally wanted to make a Vileplume, but was unsure how to go about making that petal shape / if I had enough material. In the future, I do think the answer here for more specialized shapes would be to crochet it…


    Additionally, while I'm here, some drive-by media reviews:



    The HTML on this page is embarrassingly even more spaghetti-y than usual, unfortunately, but I thought it was a neat format to mess around with! Initially, I was trying to use flexbox for this, but I found that CSS grid allows you to have more control and create more dynamic layouts. I think that this would be really cool to incorporate in future art galleries / poetry, etc!


    this is just a filler so you can read everything in mobile... ignore me.
    this is just a filler so you can read everything in mobile... ignore me.