Monday | 05.22.23

I don't necessarily regret my decision. I was miserable, and would just continue being miserable. It's also the worst possible intersection of mindless tasks where a slight mistake could end up making someone very sick. There was such a sense of apathy from the top down and people cutting corners (again, in potentially harmful ways).

This facility I worked at is funded by Medicare, meaning it's the most basic lowest tier of treatment, as sad as it is to say. They get very little funding and so the residents would get little variety in terms of food (again, on top of severe dietary restrictions, which makes things much worse). It makes sense that workers would feel defeated. It makes sense that staff would cut corners or repeat things. But it feels bad to have to tell someone who's hungry and comes up for something to eat that you can't give him anything.... The residents were only allowed to eat certain things at certain times. Like, one guy got in trouble for smuggling pop and snacks and hiding them under his bed. That's just so sad...

Shortly before I left, they started a program where residents could sign up to go out to bingo night or local restaurants -- experience the community. It seemed like a great opportunity and they seemed really happy about it! In the kitchen, our boss told us a couple of residents were all set to go out a certain night, so we didn't have to prepare plates for them. Last second, after everything was dished and the carts were going out, we were told: oh, no, nevermind, they didn't have enough money. How devasting! How can you make such a big deal of something, make them so excited, then just take it away like that?! You really can't scrunge up like $50 so a couple people can go get tacos??

Additionally, (did I already say this?), they got to the point where they were so short staffed, they'd hire temp workers from a random agency to take care of residents. They don't know anything about how these systems work or how to care for these people, what their specific needs are. And even then, often you have two or three people looking after a full wing of like 20. You just can't keep track of that many people! They're understimulated, upset, bored... And on top of that, they would also have residents who were particularly known for being violent (pulling hair, punching, biting, etc) and residents who were completely physically and mentally incapable of defending themselves housed on the same wing with little supervision...

And also, as D said one day, as this is the lowest tier covered by basic insurance, many people are basically just sent here to die... One guy has been in and out of the hospital for months now. One woman suddenly got sick and died not long after I started -- we had actually talked a couple times, so it was especially hard..

Like, again, these people definitely need help and this facility is definitely a major asset to our community. But the way it's managed and run is fundamentally broken. As unfortunate as it is, you can't pay people to care, especially at this level. Like, my mom was telling me that when she briefly worked at a nursing home, a woman was prescribed some sort of ointment that needed to be rubbed on her legs, which were covered in open sores. So, my mom sat on the floor, put on gloves, and started rubbing in the cream, and the woman started crying. "You're the only one who will actually touch me," she said....

I don't know what the solution is here. Again, it's awful all around. Not a lot of people want to do this sort of work, and after a while, it just crushes your spirit -- you feel hopeless...

On a more personal note, I'm back to square one: sitting uselessly in my room, reading my little books, doing my little crafts, empty. Working took a lot out of me, both physically and emotionally, but at least I was part of the world, I guess? At least I was going outside? Even if I had no goals, even if I was miserable, at least I had the image of "progress," y'know?

I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I have interests and skills, but they aren't very applicable in the modern world. Would it be worthless to go back to school at this point? Or maybe a technical school, instead?

In terms of interest, I think it'd be cool to be a historian / archivist. There's a master's degree offered nearby for the Book Arts. (I have an Associate's, not a Bachelor's...) But, would that be practical? Are there actually jobs related to that in my area?

I understand that it's naive to expect to do a job that you actually care about and you're lucky to get something that's even vaguely tolerable... I feel so lost...

Unrelated: Since I started working there in February, I haven't really had the time / energy to work on any more books, but I did just customize a journal I found for $2 at a thrift shop. It's themed around Jolyne (from JJBA). <3

The last picture shows stickers I printed out of the doodles Araki leaves at the end of a chapter. I think they're quite charming!

It was a lot of fun to make, actually! (Though it would probably be much easier to start from scratch with blue bookcloth, rather than painting an existing cover blue...) Overall, if I found another journal on an extreme discount, I would totally do this again!*

* as long as it has a suitable cover material! I was so psyched after making this one I tried to use an old journal I had lying around to make another one themed around Sailor Moon, but the cover had a smooth, plasticky finish and acrylic paint refused to stick to it! I even bought some gesso, but it still just did not want to stay on! Such disappointment...

And I never talked about the design of this month's journal! (Again, I hardly used it, rip.) This one is based off the Dream mail from Pokemon RSE. Initially, I had May's journal planned to be the Tropical mail, but I wanted to change it up a bit last minute, so I just used this for the time being. And I'm not actually sure what this background is from, sorry.. It appears unsourced on a number of sites. I did manage to find a very similar design by j4smini on DeviantArt, whose gallery is full of pixel art in a similar style, so potentially she made it?

Saturday | 05.13.23

K suddenly walked out on Wednesday in the middle of her shift, without a word. Looking back at some of our conversations, I've realized that not only is this not a surprise, I've decided to quit, as well.

As it turns out, the only thing keeping me sane at this job was talking to K about just how awful every aspect of working here was. Specifically, the conversation I talked about in the last entry has had a profond impact on me. I didn't even really notice how poorly I've been treated, or rather...

I've spent this whole time thinking I was the problem, I was being an awful employee. I've cried while working, thinking maybe I should quit for the good of the facility -- that I was so horribly inept and slow that everyone would be better off without me having to constantly ask for clarification or make sure I was doing things right. I was constantly criticized for the smallest things. Like, around when I first started, I was individually packaging all the leftover slices of cake and began to put them in the styrofoam cups D told me to put another dessert in. "Are you stupid?" she said. "Cake goes on a plate, not a bowl." I wasn't even aware that we had styrofoam plates! Beyond that, the fact that everyone calls styrofoam "paper," for no reason. Another example I posted on Tumblr, from a conversation with D within my first month:

“you didn’t set up this cart right, you’re supposed to be prioritizing snack carts!”

i was setting up the dinner carts — i’ve only seen people getting snack trays… how do you set up a snack cart?

“you put their snacks and drinks on it? are you stupid?”

…but some wings apparently get carts and some get trays and i was never told which!! or what goes on the fucking cart! what’s the difference?! aaaaah

This was a constant constant constant thing, where I was expected to inherently know everything. I mean, besides K and me, the last surviving new hire they had in the kitchen was D, who has been there for over a decade. This is all common sense, no? You just come out of the womb knowing how to make purees and where the unmarked container of brown sugar is in the back, right?

Also, I was always in the wrong no matter what I did, no matter if I was just following whatever list or instructions D literally gave me. For example, D recently updated the drink list to say a certain guy got and I quote: "pack rasp. lemonade & bottled water," so I got him a packet of that flavor of Crystal Light and bottled water. And she said, "Why are you giving him this? He doesn't like it. He wanted this other thing in the back." That isn't what the list you just gave me said, but okay, I'll give him that, instead. Low and behold, I was going down to his wing and there were a couple of that drink of his sitting in the fridge unopened -- apparently, he didn't like that, either. I just don't know.

Last week, D said, "Dennis here says he didn't get a snack." No, I specifically remember putting a pack of crackers for him on the cart. "Well, he says he didn't get it," she said, taking a different snack down to his wing. It turns out the wing hadn't even come down to get their snacks yet! How is that my fault?

Another time, after K & I had finished preparing dinners and got everything sent out, D came and said, "The wing says you didn't make a plate for Mike," and was all huffy as she made him a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. But, again, we definitely did make him something! When the cart came back, his plate was on it, unopened. That sort of thing happens a lot, where either the staff down on the wings misplaced a plate or a resident ended up eating the wrong meal -- it's such a mess. And still, it's always us who gets blamed for it!

The thing that really set me off, though, and changed my whole outlook was realizing that K has been treated like shit as well, despite her genuinely being the backbone of this kitchen! For example, another coworker (let's call her "S") kept caliing her my name, while constantly belittling her and criticizing everything she did, while also constantly asking K to do her work for her! And then, yesterday, as we were talking about K's sudden departure, S said, "I hate to say it, but good riddance. It's bad for the company to have someone so flaky."

How dare you? K was the only one of you who actually cared about her job. We would both frequently work through our lunches to be sure everything was done and running smoothly. While you guys are perfectly content to just sit around and do nothing for hours, K would get down on her hands and knees to scrub the floors. Meanwhile, I'm the only other person in this godforsaken kitchen who could even be arsed to mop.

As I said in my resignation letter to my boss:

[K] was such a hard worker, always going above and beyond, trying her best to the point of exhausting herself and the thanks she gets is being paid considerably less than the rest of the kitchen for most of her employment and constantly being belittled and taunted by coworkers who can't even be bothered to remember her name?

Also, K and I talked about how our coworkers would frequently say things like "Speed is the only thing that matters." For example, this last day, on Friday, when D was finally training me how to wash the after dinner dishes (because up to this point, K had always done them), she kept saying just that. "What are you doing, scrubbing each dish?" she said. "Just do it as fast as you can!" Often when you go over to get bowls, they'll still be visibly dirty, and this is why.

I'm so worried about how this emphasis on speed and complete sense of apathy could and does affect the residents, as well. Like, just last week, one resident was still hungry after eating dinner, so D was fixing him up a frozen cheeseburger... The resident in question was both gluten and lactose intolerant -- she's worked here for over a decade, she should know better. And there are so many more examples. I told my (former) boss some in my resignation letter and she said she'd be sure to address both the issues with the resident's care and the workplace environment, but, honestly, I don't think anything will ever change.

S has worked here for over thirty years at this point and, like I just said, D has for about ten. There are a few other people who work in the kitchen, but they're on another shift and I don't see much of them, but they've also all been here for many many years. Anyone new has been quickly chased off within a year or two at the most -- the main cast has been established with only occasional guest stars, and above all else, the show most go on. No one is even going to face any actual consequences. The kitchen was already short as it was, but now they're down two major workers -- not to mention that one of that main chefs has been out of commission and will continue to be for a while, due to getting shoulder surgery. The facility as a whole has a high turnover rate for various reasons -- the few new employees who come in, and the few of those who specifically come to work in the kitchen, and then when those new hires are exposed to this toxic, hostile kitchen.... New employees who truly want to do their best, thrown into this topsy-turvy, uncertain world, are also going to be isolated and made to feel like trash for not immediately knowing and remembering everything... They're also going to be made to feel like they're at fault for everything, just like how it was for me and K.

And this is all just going to hurt the residents... What an awful situation all around...

Like, I do really, truly feel bad that they're going to be so screwed over by my abscence, but I just can't deal with that environment anymore. I can't deal with trying to decypher incomprehensible menus, with constantly being called stupid for things of little consequence, with coming home crying more often than not from the stress...

(And also, with K gone, the nearest person to my age works another shift and is also twice my age. It's not that I think a job is a social thing or anything, it's just that... I feel really isolated because it feels like everyone else is my superior. I can say nothing to anyone, on top of being an outsider while they've all known each other for so long. On top of all the criticism and blame, it's so alienating...)